If i come over, it means nothing
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
