Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
