i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
