Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
