you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Randomize
