You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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