plz talk dirty to me
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
