can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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