these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
