I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
