I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
