The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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