Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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