Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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