Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
