I cannot find my penis.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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