Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
