Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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