I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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