Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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