He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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