Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
