I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
