Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
