Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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