there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I wish life had little blips of pornography
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
