I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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