we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
