She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
