i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
