Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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