alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
