I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
