I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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