Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
