I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
