wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
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just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
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What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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