Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
