I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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