you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
