Acid is not a monday night drug
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
