and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
