saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
