Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
