weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
