I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You ruined the universe
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
