Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
