why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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