the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2