It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I need a beard to bite.