i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.