I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?