Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
