his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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