tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
