I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
