But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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