I faked an abortion last night.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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