hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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