Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
