Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
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If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
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I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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