broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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