if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Every concussion has its silver lining
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
