cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
