Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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